That explains it…

Regular readers of this blog will be aware of my insecurities as a dad, and that I often consider myself not good enough.

They will know that I have, at times, found it difficult to relate to my son.

Well now I know why…

I was recently diagnosed with depression, which it turns out I have been managing in one way or another for at least the last ten years, and probably even more.

Now I get the chance –  through appropriate medication, counselling and support from family and friends – to get my life back on track.

It’s started already – making a conscious effort to get some daddy and boy time, even when I don’t feel like it.

With help I will get through this.


3 thoughts on “That explains it…”

  1. Thank you for sharing this. Its not easy to be honest about depression. Im really glad that you’re on the ladder back up to sorting things out.

    At what stage did you get to before you sought help – who did you see? The prospect of going to a doctor on a time limit to be given drugs that may not be right scares me – but like you I know I need something.

    That feeling of being difficult to relate to your son – I get it. I am almost two years in with our two adopted children and despite feeling the love and protectiveness, I find myself often coming back to a place of numbness, lack of empathy, switching off, can’t cope. I havent been diagnosed but I think that I have some form of depression – like you I think I’ve had it for years.

    I’ve just been woken up twice in the night for both children, first to correct the sheets that are twisted or for the quilt that has fallen on the floor and then at 4am ‘mummy I cant sleep’, I take her back to her room and she appears to fall asleep almost immediately. I feel Im pretty tough as Im not the empathic mother, inside I am saying ‘for god’s sake just go back to sleep’ when I should be saying ‘there, there, was it a nightmare, it’s ok’. I honestly cant tell you what I said as I just feel so shit.

    Like you I guess I think the worst of myself and if I’d seen myself I probably wasnt that bad – my husbamd says Im too hard on myself. Inside I feel like a shit mum and in ten years time the children are going to be reflecting all of this back on me. When we took these children on I wanted to make it better, not make it worse.

    As adoptive parents I feel we put a huge pressure on ourselves because of this – you dont want to let your children down – they’ve already been through enough – their lives need to be transformed now. It’s not like that though. Not only do you have your own issues to continue dealing with, you also have to deal with theirs. Being so young their issues are going to be aplified as they play everything out through irrational emotional brains – trying to cope with that as the rational adult is so tough sometimes. When you have depression it can make those days really tough.
    Sorry for the essay but it’s 5.45am and I havent gotten back to sleep since being woken up at 4am and whilst my house sleeps silently, I am thinking about your blog post and hoping that I too can take a step up on the ladder as boy I need it right now.

    Thanks so much for sharing and making me realise that I might need to get some help – whatever that might look like.


  2. For several months I filled in every online test their was about stress or depression – each saying that I was affected.

    It took me a long time to ask for help – one of the areas I’ve been struggling with is work but I have been doing the job for so long that I felt I couldn’t ask for help. The final straw came when I found myself in tears on my lunch break and unable to stop.

    I was terrified going into the appointment – expecting to be told that exercise and losing weight would help, or that I would be signed off work (the fear there being that I would then never return so we’d not be able to afford the mortgage and would lose our house).

    I am now on antidepressants but also have some counselling lined up – the drugs deal with the symptoms and the counselling will hopefully help identify the underlying cause and give me strategies to deal with it.

    The thing that has helped the most has been talking. Family and a select few colleagues now know that I am suffering and I am so lucky that they’re being supportive.


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